this week's funny onion horoscopes, as picked by me

You will be stunned this week when you suddenly realize that the Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" can also be interpreted as a metaphor for the card- game of poker.

You've often said you'd kill for a good piece of cheesecake, but the sad truth is you're not prepared to go beyond savagely raping and mutilating someone with a rusty bayonet for it.

(be sure to paint a nice mental picture for this one...)
After all the commotion you caused, you'd better pray your wristwatch is found inside that poor cow's fourth and final stomach.